Tuesday rolled around and guess what, another blood draw and Ultrasounds. I have been poked so many times. My poor veins. I went in for my blood draw first, I had my girl Morgan. After that it was time to empty my bladder and head into the dreaded Ultrasound room (#5). I haven't had the best memories in this room so I was already feeling anxious. The doctor came in, did my ultrasound and she said she was underwhelmed with my ovaries. She does not have the best bedside manner but I knew that going into it so I take it with a grain of salt. She said I had one on the right and two on the left. At this point it is still early so there is more hope but that number is really low and very discouraging. I thought to myself, here we go, another canceled cycle. All those injections all that money for nothing. Luckily my doc didn't cancel the cycle but instead wanted to see me back in two days for….you guessed it, another blood draw and ultrasound. After my appointment I was feeling pretty low. But I had to suck it up and go to work. At times like these I am happy that only one person at work really knows whats going on because I don't want to explain and re-live what I just went through, I wanted to be distracted and thats what I was. Cindy came over to give me my shot for the night and we were both feeling pretty sad. I feel like I have been fairly strong through this whole process but I broke down the other night. I was sad. This is sad. This is hard. I remember when Zac and I were considering going through this process I read a blog about dealing with all the emotions that come with IVF and one thing really stuck out to me. One blog said that you need to have your "pity party", cry, feel sorry for yourself, be sad, confused, angry but don't stay in that party to long! Feel it and then move forward from it. So thats what I did Tuesday night!
Now its Thursday and again I went to the doctors office for my blood draw and ultrasound. So this morning the other girl took me back, she has missed my vein a few times….so already I was thinking, here we go. This is not the best way to start off an appointment I am already feeling nervous about. Luckily a miracle happened and she got it the first try! Maybe things are looking up. I went back and emptied my bladder and went into dreaded room #5. I was sitting there half undressed when I looked at my bandaid. It looked a bit weird and I poked it and it was full of blood. Oh great I thought. The LAST thing I want to worry about. I threw my pants back on and poked my head out the door and asked for some gauze. My doctor walked up and said "Oh no did you take off your bandaid?" And I showed her my blood soaked bandaid and in an irritated voice I said "No I didn't take off my bandaid". I was NOT in the mood for her this morning. She told the assistant that she needed to put a gauze under my bandaid because patients are on blood thinners and it can bleed more easily. Then she made some joke about going to the bathroom and you can't hold pressure on the area while you are peeing. But enough of that, its time to take another look. I don't know if I even wrote about this but at one of my previous ultrasounds ( its all becoming a blur) the NP noticed a cyst on my left ovary. The doc said she could see it today but that it was not interfering with anything. She counted 3 follicles on the left and 1 on the right. Snooze. I even feel embarrassed writing about it because it seems so pitiful and it makes me feel bad about my body. BUT my glimmer of hope was when she told me to start my Ganarelix and the egg retrieval could be on Monday. I thought to myself, wait, what? We are moving forward with IVF? I had it in my mind that this round would be a no go. And I guess that could still happen. So I asked the doctor, is this it? IS this as good as its going to get? She said yes but then told me she just had a patient that only had 3 and they put one embryo in and she's pregnant. Then she looks at me and says, you only need one. So even though my chances are extremely low and my luck has been pretty bad lately…..I just need one. So the new plan is to hope that a few of these follicles actually have eggs in them, they can retrieve all of them and at least one of two of them will actually fertilize so that we can move forward with the embryo transfer.
Its blowing my mind that we could actually be moving forward this time and even though in my head I know the chance is SO slim. I am finding some peace with just being able to move forward. So today is going to be considered a good day. I have almost made it through all my Stim phase with feeling pretty good! Some bouts of nausea. My butt is super sore and Ive been crazy tired but look at me. I did it!
I also have to give a shout out to my amazing husband! He has been gone for the last 3 days so I have been dealing with all this on my own and let me tell you he has sent me the sweetest text messages that take my sadness away. He is so encouraging and positive and I love him for that!
Until next time. Wish us luck!!
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